So every night this week has been progressively worse.
This week I started 6th form and the only way I can describe it is sharp.
Not sharp as in slick, sharp as in dangerous. I imagine it as a pair of scissors slowly cutting the paper with my GCSE results into paper doll chains.
They stab you in the side every now and again with the nerves of entering a room with a vast amount of people who you don’t know and some even don’t want to know you. The other stabbing feels like more of a lurch. The sickening type of lurch caused by not knowing what’s going on in the once familiar subject you had in GCSE. (make that 4 subjects)
There is now a growing pain in the side of my back where I have been lying, arched on the desks to try and get a little shut eye after waking up continuously at 5.15 every morning.
There is also the constant feeling of people slipping away. Friends who I’ve known since primary to ones who I have known throughout secondary, they’re all just rarely seen due to different time tables.
All of this has made me feel awful when I get home. I’m shattered and yet I cannot sleep with all the factors playing on my mind. The lack of sleep makes me physically and mentally drained, I’ve now just turned down a party because I’m THAT tired. This is the person that I wanted to avoid being this year.
I’m scared of this leap. It’s made me quieter, boring, anxious and incredibly insecure of my mentality as well as my decisions. I feel boring around others which makes me even more hesitant when they’re in my presence. There has been times when I wish to be left completely alone in school, something I have never normally felt. I want to just lie alone on the grass with music and breath.
This is all a lot to take in and I won’t be surprised if yet again, along with everything going on at home, that the anxiety attacks will begin and also the ill health.
Choc Mint Dreams
I want to post more positive things on my personal blog, I keep posting a lot of negative thoughts.
I’m just going to reach a balance of both seeing as it is like a virtual diary.
TO KICK IT OFF
Last year me, and to of my best friends - Jake and Elin - went on a 4 hour adventure walking from my house to Llanfairfechan.
We took pictures of our triumph when we reached our destination.
Here’s a collection of my favourites.
It was such a fun day, lovely weather, lovely company and a day where many pictures were taken :)
I have only just realised that my GCSE results day is on the same day of the anniversary of my Mum’s death. I seriously don’t know how I’ll be able to handle it. Last year was incredibly difficult I was just caught in a mindset of sadness and anxiety. The feelings this day brings to me are just so hard to cope with and every year it gets harder and harder. With the nerves of results day it’s going to be hard. Anxiety will be high and the risk of an attack is too. What’s more there is no chance I will be able to celebrate afterwards (if all goes well) as I feel its a day where I need to focus on what has happened and greave as I feel I can’t do that very often.
Its a day where I am incredibly exposed to showing my emotions and what’s more it brings me more pain as it’s another massive experience of my life that she isn’t there to witness. Seeing my friends phoning their mum’s and telling them their results is like a punch in the face.
Watching Harry Potter and a daunting thought occurred to me;
I’d be able to see a Thestral…
So yesterday I went on my ‘first date’ with Joe. We went to the cinema and it was just such a lovely and fun way to spend time with him.
On the whole bus ride there I was quite nervous, only because I’d been told that he was planning to kiss me by my friends, and I was just so terrified of 1) getting it wrong and 2) anticipating it to happen.
I met him later in the tescos and predictably I got really embarrassed as my ‘death voice’ (I’m recovering from a cold) kicked in so when I said ‘hello’ it was more of a grunt. He laughed at my frustrated face.
So we bought food and the tickets and then went to the screen and in that time he managed to make me laugh countless times.
The film itself was AMAZING. We watched The Grand Budapest Hotel and I’m already a massive fan of Wes Anderson (Fantastic Mr Fox) so I knew I’d be a fan. To kick it all off the adverts started with a male premature ejaculation advert, resembled by two match sticks getting all hanky panky on a bed then the ‘male’ one sets on fire, we were both in tears. But yes, the film, my god was it funny.
Once it finished I had about 20 minutes until my bus so we loitered a little and then headed to the stop. (By headed I mean resembled the awkward running made by the characters in the film.)
I knew this would probably be the place we’d kiss.
All of a sudden the bus came out of nowhere so I had to leg it to the stop and thank goodness there was a queue but it was such a quick goodbye, so we hugged and then pulled back and then we did it, we kissed, it lasted literally 3-4 seconds but it was so nice and AGHJKL, once we pulled away he laughed I said ‘wahoo’ then I jumped on the bus.
In that matter of seconds I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy.
What’s more there was no reason to be scared, I feel so comfortable around him and it still feels friendly with the benefits of being allowed to find him attractive and not feel weird about it.
I’m excited to see what lies ahead for us.
He’s just such a great person, and with a lot of quite saddening things happening in my life these past few years, there’s finally a silver lining and I can quite confidently say that it’s one that fills me with a lot of hope and confidence to be myself and be spontaneous.
Hopefully it will get rid of a lot of anxiety. I don’t think I’ve had this form of happiness since Mum was still with us. Things are looking up and I’m so grateful to my friends who encouraged me to go with it and also to Joe himself who is just an all around fantastic person.
Happy Birthday Salad. x
We’re a couple.
I am a girlfriend.
I have a boyfriend.
IS THIS REAL!?!?
We being me and him.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
Right now I seriously do not feel good at all.
I haven’t felt this anxious and worried in quite a while…and it’s over the stupidest thing.
We have a Speaking Assesment tomorrow and yes it does count towards to my GCSE but it’s only now I’ve actually terrified myself over the whole idea.
I hate it as I just feel like I’m being a pain making such a big fuss…I just feel so sick and breathless and paranoid and shaky…I just need to get it out of my head.
I’m somewhat prepared the issue is that it’s prevented me from doing other work that needs to be sorted by tomorrow, and that’s big work too.
WHY DO TEACHERS FIND IT SO NECESSARY FOR EVERYTHING BIG AND MAJOR TO BE GIVEN AT ONCE?!
I’m terrified about what my brain is telling me right now and the last thing I need is a night of sleep deprivation…
Today’s healthy fix:
Breakfast: Weetabix with cranberries and skimmed milk, banana and actimel
Lunch: Bread and fruit
Snack: Apple and (quire) a few matchmakers (not so healthy there)
Tea: Grilled Veggie (Mushroom, Tomato, Pepper, Red Onion) Salad and a Piece of wholemeal toast
I also baked some Oat and Raisin cookies to last the next couple of days so I have a healthy treat that will fill me up, I use the BBC Good Food recipe as a guideline, next time I’ll probably use more honey then caster sugar and also flatten them a little more (they are very tasty though)
Recipe I used for the cookies: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/7655/oaty-raisin-cookies
Tomorrow I’m going to post my current measurements in order to track my progress (oh no)
Today we FINALLY got rid of all the christmas treats which means I no longer have the excuse of going full out binge mode on the chocolate.
I’m excited for this new start as these past few weeks since Christmas what little self confidence I had has taken a down turn and has become almost non-existent; not a nice feeling to say the least.
I really would like to return to a figure I’m somewhat happy with, especially with having the school prom this year and my adventure to Canada this summer and I don’t really think I want a pot belly anyway…
SO, I’ve signed up to a new gym, found my workout and now I’m testing out new healthier recipes that are low fat yet delicious. Who said healthy is ever boring?
On my blog I’ll be taking note of my progress and also posting the interesting discoveries of mine, as well as my thoughts, feelings and random little things that mean something to me :3
THE DIET BEGINS NOW.